Divorced and Deadly Page 15

  ‘No, sir.’

  ‘And the brake shook loose, is that what you’re claiming?’

  ‘Yes! I tried my best to pull it back on, but it got stuck. Then the van started careering out of control, and then these officers came along all noisy and everything, and oh, my back was really hurting, and it…’

  I thought it was time to have my say, ‘If you don’t mind me saying, officer, it was as much these policemen’s fault as ours…’

  ‘SHUT IT!’ Officers Jackson and Parry yelled in unison.

  The walrus got all official, ‘I see. So you had no knowledge of these two…’ he pointed at Joanna and Frankie ‘…before you met them tonight?’

  ‘None whatsoever.’ I asserted my authority, ‘I can assure you, officer, we are not in the habit of picking up women.’

  The walrus glared at us one at a time, finishing up with me, ‘Would you like to know what I think?’

  ‘I would, yes. Thank you.’

  ‘Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’ve got too much to say for yourself.’

  ‘Yes, officer.’ I decided to say no more.

  Gesturing to me, Dickie and the hairy mutt, the walrus told the officers to take us to the cells to cool off.

  As we were being marched off, I looked back to see the walrus addressing the two women, ‘Will you never learn?’ he demanded, thumping his desk. ‘Time and time again, you’re brought before us, and it’s always the same. You target the poor, lonely fools on the streets, then you take them back to that van of yours and ply them with drink. The poor sods think they’re about to have the best time of their miserable lives, but when they’re drunk you take everything they’ve got, then you throw them out on the streets, before driving off into the sunset.’

  I could see him shaking his head. ‘You really are a despicable pair. To my mind you need to be put away for a very long time. Who knows, this time we might just be able to accommodate you!’

  Me and Dickie heard it all, and as we were thrown into the cell, we looked at each other with mouths open, too shocked and confused to take it all in.

  We’d been taken in by a pair of thieves who preyed on men, took everything they had and then abandoned them.

  That’s exactly what Laura did to me! In fact, in my unhappy experience, it’s what every woman does if they get the chance; use you up, squeeze you dry, then chuck you to the wolves!

  All wound up and humiliated, I was ready for a fight, and unfortunately Dickie Manse brains-in-his-pants was the nearest. ‘It’s all your fault! If you hadn’t snuck into my car, I’d have been here on my own, away from you and that hairy, stinking mutt!’

  From somewhere down the corridor, officer Parry yelled out, ‘FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL…WILL YOU SHUT IT!’

  Angered, I felt the need to defend myself and Dickie, so I yelled back, ‘Excuse me, officer, but you’ve obviously made a mistake. These two women are not robbers! If they were, we would have sussed them straight off. Because, regardless of what you might think, we’re not stupid enough to be taken in by two dumb women. I’ll have you know we are sensible, intelligent blokes; and we have a great deal of experience when it comes to women.’

  Dickie joined in, ‘Yes, that’s right! You obviously have no idea who you’re messing with. My mate is the manager of a kennels. What’s more, he knows a thing or two when it comes to women, and if he says you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, he knows what he’s talking about!’

  There was a long silence. Then all three officers bellowed out, ‘SHUT IT!’

  Miserable, cold and dejected, I sat in the cell, looking at the four walls and wondering how it had come to this, when all I wanted was a quiet weekend away by myself.

  ‘I’m sorry I got us into this,’ Dickie was genuinely sorry. ‘D’you forgive me, Ben?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘But I really am sorry.’

  ‘So you should be!’

  ‘I really liked Frankie,’ he sighed. ‘I didn’t know she was a professional thief.’

  ‘We don’t really know that for sure, do we?’ I had my doubts. ‘But if it is true, then we’ll just have to put it down to experience!’

  ‘You’re very wise, Ben,’ Dickie said humbly. ‘I’ve always thought that.’

  ‘Well, you either have it or you don’t!’

  ‘I don’t like the idea of them keeping the girls back. For all we know those three could be having their wicked way with them.’

  ‘Don’t be so dramatic! Policemen don’t do that sort of thing!’

  ‘Well, I didn’t like the look of that duty officer. And don’t forget, officer Parry forgot the Breathalyser?’

  ‘I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they have to let us go because of that!’

  ‘D’you reckon?’ Dickie perked up.

  As it turned out I was right. Some time later we were woken up. ‘Come on, you two!’ Officer Jackson threw open the cell door. ‘Get outta here, before I change my mind!’

  ‘Can we see the girls?’ Dickie wanted to know.

  ‘They’ve been released, but if I were you, I would clear off back to where you came from.’ He gave me a hefty shove. ‘Now go on the lot of you. Out!’

  Before they let us leave, the walrus read us the riot act. ‘This time, you were let off lightly. Next time, you may not be so lucky.’

  The officers has organised the retrieval of the busted camper van. At the same time they had collected our belongings, which they handed to us. Fed up, tired and totally dejected, we made our way on to the street.

  Dickie broke the silence as we emerged into bright sunshine. ‘I reckon we had a lucky escape,’ he said. ‘I dread to think what might have happened if the van hadn’t run away with us. The police saved us!’

  I was miffed, ‘So you think the police were right after all, and the girls really were dangerous robbers?’

  ‘Sorry, Ben, I know you don’t want to admit it,’ Dickie answered, ‘but I think we were taken in big time!’

  I felt like the world’s worst fool, ‘This whole trip has been a disaster from start to finish. Come on, let’s go and get the car and make our way back home.’

  Dickie was having none of it, ‘No way! All right, so we’ve been caught out and we should have known better. But at least we’ve escaped with our pride intact…well, some of it, and we’ve still got the money we came with. The sun’s shining and I’m starving. What say we have a big fried breakfast, play the amusement arcade and win big. Then we’ll go get the car and head off home.’

  I liked the idea. ‘Okay, but on one condition.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘When we get back, not one word about this cock-up. All right?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘I mean it, Dickie…not one word…ever!’

  ‘All right, yes. Look, right now I’m not thinking about women. I’m thinking about fried eggs, sausages, bacon and mushrooms…oh, and a slice or two of toast.’

  We were making for the pier in search of a café, when I suddenly remembered, ‘Where’s my mobile?’ I frantically searched my pockets. ‘I told Poppy to ring me if there was an emergency.’

  ‘What kind of emergency?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know, do I?’ Honestly, Dickie can be a right twit at times. ‘Any emergency…like a fire, or someone threatening to sue the kennels—that kind of thing!’

  Eventually I found my mobile and switched it on. Straightaway there was a beep. ‘You’ve got a message.’ Dickie got all excited, ‘I bet our lottery numbers have come up and we’re millionaires!’

  ‘Don’t talk rubbish!’ I fumbled to retrieve the message. ‘People like us don’t win the lottery. You have to be rich already, or old and wrinkly so there’s no time left to spend it.’

  ‘Or be a jailbird, who doesn’t deserve it.’

  ‘What? Like us you mean?’

  ‘I’m not a jailbird!’

  ‘Yes, you are. You’ve been locked in a cell. If that’s not being a jailbird I don’t know what is.’
/>
  ‘Just read the message,’ Dickie insisted. ‘We might be rich after all.’

  I read the message. ‘It’s from Poppy.’

  ‘Well, what does it say?’

  ‘Nothing!’

  ‘Don’t be daft! How can it be nothing?’

  ‘It’s nothing for you to worry about, that’s all you need to know.’ I rammed the mobile back into my pocket.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Why should anything be wrong?’

  Dickie stared at me, in that all knowing, aggravating way he has, ‘I don’t know, but whatever she said, it seems to have got you all worked up.’

  ‘Don’t talk rubbish!’ He didn’t know it, but he was too close for comfort.

  ‘Is she leaving?’

  ‘Not that I know of.’

  ‘Is she in trouble?’

  ‘She didn’t say.’

  ‘I know what she said.’

  ‘No you don’t, and you’re not going to!’

  ‘Everybody knows it.’

  ‘Knows what?’

  ‘Poppy has the hots for you.’

  I turned away, pretending to look for a café. ‘There’s one. Look! At the far end of the pier!’

  ‘Tell me what she said, or I’ll spread the word that we were taken in like a pair of idiots by two women.’

  ‘You’d better not, and if you do, I’ll deny it. People will believe me over you any day!’

  ‘Okay. So I’ll spread the word and you can deny it. But it won’t be nice, and anyway, I’ve always been a better liar than you.’

  That was true. Whenever I lied I couldn’t help but look down to the floor, and people knew it. ‘Poppy wrote…well, she said…she misses us, and that’s all.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘She said it’s been really busy.’

  ‘What else?’

  ‘She sounded a bit…stressed, that’s all. They’ve been really busy.’

  ‘Let me see.’

  ‘You can’t. I deleted it.’

  ‘You’re lying!’

  Realising I was on a loser, I handed him the mobile, ‘It’s just like I said, she’s finding it all too much. Don’t read anything else into what she says. It’s just talk, that’s all it is. You know what Poppy’s like. Sometimes she says the craziest…’

  Dickie was already reading the message aloud:

  Hello, Ben, how are you? I hope you’re enjoying your break. It’s been really busy here. We’ve had two litters born and I had to call out the RSPCA because there was a fox snooping about. This morning I accidentally drenched the postman and he says if I do it again, he’ll refuse to come on the premises. We made him a cup of tea and he calmed down a bit, until that new dog escaped and bit him (I don’t suppose he’ll be sitting down for a while). We’ll all be glad to see you back, especially me, because I’ve never had the nerve to tell you to your face, but I really like you a lot. I would love to go out with you, if you want to that is. I really hope you say yes, Lots of love, Poppy. XX

  ‘WOW!’ Giggling insanely, Dickie handed me back the mobile.

  ‘Well, go on then,’ I was waiting for the jibes, ‘make something of it why don’t you?’

  ‘You know what, Ben?’ Dickie looked me in the eye, ‘I knew how she felt about you all along…we all did. Poppy has never had eyes for anyone but you, only you’re too thick headed to see it!’

  ‘Don’t talk daft!’

  ‘All I’m saying is…it’s not every day a decent girl like Poppy pours her heart out to someone; especially to a born loser like you. If I were you I’d snap her up!’

  ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘She’s the sweetest little thing, and she’s miles better than anyone you’ve ever been with.’

  ‘Leave off, Dickie! This is Poppy we’re talking about!’

  ‘So?’

  ‘So, she’s…well, she’s Poppy. She’s just…Poppy! I could never take her out on a date. She’s just a kid, and anyway, I’ve never thought of her in that way.’

  ‘Well then, it’s time you did. And she’s not just a kid. She’s in her twenties already. I’ll tell you something else an’ all. When she’s not dressed in that baggy boiler suit, mucking out the kennels or watering the yard, with her hair pulled back in a knot, she’s a real cracker. A few Saturdays back, I saw her out with her mates, and she’s a real looker…in fact I didn’t even recognise her at first.’

  I couldn’t believe I was even discussing this with him. Poppy was Poppy and that was an end to it. In fact, I even felt myself thinking about what she’d written, ‘Look! She’s a kid with a crush. I’ve never been interested in her and I never will be…at least not in that way. So, if you don’t mind, let’s just leave it at that!’

  Dickie shrugged, ‘Okay, if that’s the way you want it, but I think you’re a fool. Here’s this lovely girl throwing herself at your feet and you can’t even see her for what she is.’

  ‘Shut up, Dickie!’ Desperate to change the subject, I pointed to the blackboard outside the café. ‘Look! Full breakfast…just what the doctor ordered.’

  It was a clean enough place, with views right out over the beach, and as we opened the door and went in, the aroma of bacon cooking smelled fantastic. ‘I didn’t know how hungry I was,’ I said as we found ourselves a table to sit at. ‘You know what, Dickie?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I reckon I’ll go for a full breakfast as well.’

  The waiter looked like he’d had too many full breakfasts, as his belly arrived before he did. ‘Morning!’

  ‘Morning. Two full breakfasts, please.’

  ‘Right then, lads…so it’s egg, bacon, sausage, and either tomatoes or mushrooms…which is it to be?’

  ‘Can we have both?’

  ‘You’ll have to pay the set price of £3 and another 80p on top if you do.’

  We went for it. ‘Oh, and two big mugs of tea, and a plate of something for the mutt, if you will, please?’

  My stomach was playing atune, ‘It’s busy, don’t you think?’

  Dickie looked round, ‘There’s only one empty table.’

  ‘The food must be good then.’

  And it was. Battersby got some leftover sausages, and we got what we ordered in abundance. Everything was crisp and fresh and cooked to perfection, and when we’d eaten every last crumb, the hot, strong tea washed it all down nicely.

  When we went to pay the bill, we told the proprietor how much we’d enjoyed the breakfast and his grin was a mile wide. ‘That’s grand!’ he said. ‘So you’ll come again, will yer?’ He nodded to the many people sitting round and about. ‘All regular customers,’ he announced proudly, ‘some of ’em have been coming here for years.’

  We told him that if we were ever in the area again, we’d be certain to come back.

  Then as we left, the other customers smiled and bade us good morning and I thought it was a very nice, friendly place.

  Feeling much happier, we went to collect the car. On our way home, we couldn’t stop talking about our trip. ‘We’ve had an adventure if nothing else,’ I said.

  ‘We must never let on what nearly happened!’ Dickie promised.

  I told him, ‘There’s no danger of that, don’t you worry.’

  As we drove on to the motorway, I was thinking of Poppy’s heartfelt message. I had always harboured a sneaking admiration of her and now I was seeing her like Dickie described, all dressed up, with her pretty hair loose and looking like a million dollars.

  Dickie must have been reading my mind, ‘You’d be a fool not to take Poppy out on a date,’ he said. ‘If you don’t pick her up, somebody else will, and how would you feel about that, eh?’

  I turned on the radio. There was an old recording by the Rolling Stones playing. We sang along, and Battersby howled, and for the moment I pushed Poppy out of my mind.

  The very idea of taking her out seemed ridiculous, and yet. And yet?

  BEDFORD

  SEPTEMBER, THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY

&nbs
p; After dithering about, I finally asked Poppy out. At first she blushed and giggled, and I felt a bit like a schoolboy with a crush.

  We went to the cinema to see a re-run of Patrick Swayze in Ghost, and even though I wasn’t into all that romance rubbish, I enjoyed it, just because Poppy was there beside me.

  Hey! I’m not saying I’m in love, and I’m not saying I’m not interested in seeing her again, because I am, but after the horror of Laura and Nancy, I’d rather take it slowly, slowly.

  All I will say is that when I walked her up the steps to her parents’ house, she turned to say goodnight and I knew Dickie was right. She was really pretty, and so sweet, I didn’t want to leave her.

  ‘Goodnight, Ben,’ she whispered, ‘I’ve had a wonderful time.’

  ‘So have I.’ I felt ten feet tall. ‘D’you think we could do it again soon?’

  Her answer was to kiss me long and tenderly on the mouth.

  It wasn’t the kind of fiery kiss that set your heart alight, nor was it too suggestive. It was just a beautiful kiss, one that said I love you, but let’s take it slowly.

  And that’s all right with me, because you know what? I can see myself falling hook, line and sinker for this very special girl. After all the mistakes I’ve made, I really feel as though I’ve found the right girl, at long last.

  I went down the street with a spring in my step and a song in my heart. I just knew that this was the start of something big.

  ‘Good on you, Dickie,’ I murmured, ‘I’m so glad I took your advice!’ I even started singing.

  Suddenly, out of nowhere this shower of rotten apples rained down on me, bursting all over my head and splashing my best trousers. All this gunk and stinking stuff dripped down my face and into my eyes, until I could hardly see; it was like something out of a horror movie.

  Suddenly a familiar voice boomed out, ‘BASTARD! I SAW YOU AND ’ER KISSING LIKE TWO LOVESICK PIGEONS. I WON’T HAVE IT! D’YOU HEAR! YOU’RE MINE, BEN BUSKIN, AND IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU, NO ONE ELSE WILL! I know I divorced you, but I’m not done yet!!’

  ‘LAURA! You mad cow, what the hell d’you think you’re doing?’ Spluttering and coughing, I tried to stand up, but the apples kept coming and I couldn’t keep my balance.