Born Bad Read online

  Sara gave her a peck on the cheek. ‘You’re such a good friend. I don’t know how I can ever thank you.’ She had not forgotten the endless hours this dear, devoted girl had spent talking with her, exchanging secrets and making her laugh through the pain.

  ‘Sara?’ the nurse’s gentle voice interrupted her thoughts.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Why did you make me send them away earlier – Harry and Tom?’

  Sara gave a long drawn-out sigh. ‘Just for once, I didn’t want them to see me looking pale and ill.’ She paused, her dark eyes swimming with tears. ‘I know it can’t last, but thanks to you and Nurse Bridget, just for a while I can pretend there is still something of the woman I once was.’

  Her voice broke as she remembered how it had been. ‘I so much want Harry to look at me and see the girl he married … even if it’s only for a few fleeting moments.’

  Nurse McDonald had noticed how Sara was fidgeting. ‘You don’t need to be in pain,’ she reminded her again. ‘I can give you something to make you more comfortable.’

  Sara shook her head. ‘Not today.’ Her quick little smile was incredibly beautiful. ‘Today, I mean to be fully conscious and strong. I need my family to see past the illness, and imagine me as I used to be.’

  Bowing her head she spoke in a whisper, as though to herself: ‘If they can do that, this effort will all have been worthwhile.’

  The nurse quietly persisted. ‘All the same, Harry would not want you to punish yourself.’

  Sara reached out and took hold of her hand. ‘Won’t you just be happy for me? I’m going home! After all these weeks, I can’t believe I’m really going home.’

  She took a moment to let herself believe it. ‘Time with my family will be so precious … to listen and talk, and laugh with them.’ When a rogue tear escaped down her cheek, she quickly brushed it aside. ‘You do know what I mean, don’t you?’

  Filled with admiration, Nurse Aileen McDonald assured her that she understood. And she did.

  During her time on this ward, she had witnessed much suffering, but this time, because of Sara’s relative youth and selfless determination, she felt a deep anger at life’s cruelty.

  Seeing how the little nurse had fallen into a sombre mood, Sara quickly rebuked her. ‘You mustn’t be sad,’ she chided. ‘Think how lucky I’ve been in my life. How many women have had the good fortune to know the love and devotion of a fine man? I’ve been blessed with a wonderful son and, until only recently, I have never known real pain; but even that is a small price to pay. So, please, Nurse Aileen, no being sad, and no crying – not for me!’

  ‘Has anybody ever told you how bossy you are?’ Aileen quipped.

  Sara laughed aloud. ‘Harry tells me that all the time,’ she admitted happily. ‘He calls me a bossy tramp, but what do I care? Look at me … I’m being cosseted, and I feel beautiful! Most of all, I’m able to refuse the treatment, so I can enjoy the company of the two people I love most in all the world for one whole day at home.’ Aware of the other woman’s concern, she looked up apologetically. ‘I’m right, aren’t I?’

  The nurse shrugged. ‘If that’s what you want, who am I to argue? But I need a promise from you.’

  ‘What kind of promise?’

  ‘Let me come home with you. I’ve talked with Matron and your doctor, and they have given their permission.’

  ‘No!’ Sara was adamant. ‘We’ve already been through this, and the answer is still no.’

  ‘Very well, but,’ Nurse McDonald held up the paper bag in her hand, ‘you must keep these close to you at all times. If the pain gets too bad, they’ll help you cope, until you get back here.’

  Sara’s gaze was drawn to the big blue cross on the side of the bag. She knew what it contained, and she hoped the powerful medication would not be needed until she got back here at six o’clock, as agreed. ‘Hmh! I can see I’m not the only bossy tramp round here.’

  ‘Exactly right!’ The nurse wagged a finger. ‘You would do well to remember that.’ Taking control of the wheelchair, she thrust it forward. ‘Until six o’clock tonight, then, and not a minute later, mind. I’ll be right here, waiting for you to come back through that door.’

  Sara laughed. ‘I don’t doubt that for one minute,’ she joked.

  As the two of them wended their way along the ward, the other patients waved, and wished her well. ‘You behave yourself now,’ they merrily instructed. ‘No gallivanting, and no giving that handsome husband of yours a hard time!’

  ‘Have a lovely day, m’dear.’ Miss Bateman was formidable and difficult, and normally she kept herself to herself. On this occasion though, she felt the need to be gracious.

  ‘See you later, pet.’ That was Alice Arnold, a kindly soul, recovering from pneumonia. ‘Give that little lad of yours a big hug from me!’

  The well-meaning advice continued, lighting her way, until the ward doors closed behind her.

  When they reached the reception area, Sara carefully scribbled her signature onto the prepared documents.

  ‘Are you really sure you want to do this, Sara?’ The young doctor understood her reason for wanting to spend a normal day with her family, and he was reluctant to spoil it. But he was not happy with the situation.

  ‘It is what I want to do,’ she smiled up at him, ‘more than anything else in the world.’

  He nodded his acknowledgement, because if he spoke he might show his emotion, and that would not be professional.

  ‘Sara has her medication.’ Nurse McDonald pre-empted his next question.

  ‘Do you have the direct ward number,’ he looked down at Sara, ‘in case your husband needs to contact us?’

  She patted the pretty blue handbag that Harry had delivered only that morning. ‘It’s all in here,’ she assured him. ‘But I’ll be fine, you’ll see.’

  ‘Very well. Have a lovely day, and we’ll see you back here this evening.’ Deeply humbled, the young man strode away. There was little else he could do.

  Having arrived at the hospital, Harry swung the car into the one remaining parking place. ‘Come on, little fella.’ He lifted Tom out of the car. ‘Your mammy’s waiting for you.’

  When Tom caught sight of Sara, waiting in her wheelchair at the entrance, there was no holding him. ‘Mammy! Mammy!’ Arms open, he ran to her, brimming with tales and needing a hug.

  Harry could not take his eyes off Sara. ‘You look so beautiful!’

  For the first time in an age, he could see the girl he had married; that glowing girl with the wide, wonderful smile, and those quiet brown eyes. ‘You look … stunning!’ Try as he might, Harry could not find the right words.

  Sara felt a rush of pride. ‘I’m glad you approve,’ she retorted cheekily. ‘I hope you realise it took a wagonload of make-up and an army of people to produce this new me.’

  Much to everyone’s concern, she then helped her son clamber onto her lap, while he chatted excitedly of seagulls and ice cream.

  Safe and content in her embrace, Tom wrapped his small arms round her neck and kissed her full on the mouth.

  Fearing that Tom’s enthusiasm was bound to take its toll, Harry gently removed the boy from her lap. ‘I tell you what.’ He handed the flowers to Tom. ‘You give these to Mammy, then you can help me to push the wheelchair to the car. What do you say?’

  The child glanced up, looking for his mammy’s approval. When she nodded, he ran to the rear of the wheelchair, feeling tall and proud next to Nurse McDonald. ‘Do you think you’re big enough?’ she asked with a mischievous glint in her eye.

  Tom stretched to his full height. ‘I’m bigger than Johnny Mason.’

  ‘Oh, and are you strong enough, my little man?’

  The boy flexed his muscles. ‘’Course I am!’

  Nurse Aileen kept him chatting while Harry enjoyed a quiet moment with his wife.

  ‘Are you sure you feel able to come home with us?’ he asked her, his heart full.

  Sara pressed her finger to Harry’s
lips. ‘I’ve been looking forward to it all morning,’ she whispered, and he knew not to argue with her. Besides, though it was a bittersweet thing, after endless weeks of seeing her in a hospital bed, it was so wonderful to be taking her home.

  A few minutes later, after thanking Nurse Aileen, the little group left the hospital.

  Having got Sara to the car without any difficulty, Harry opened the rear door for Tom, then pushed the front seat back as far as it would go. Gently lifting Sara out of the wheelchair and into the car, he was devastated to realise how thin and weightless his wife had become.

  He sensed her looking up at him. Her eyes held his gaze, and though not a word was spoken, the bond between them was a powerful thing; so much so, that he believed he would suffocate. ‘I love you so much,’ he whispered in her ear.

  ‘Show me how much.’ The pretty brown eyes twinkled mischievously.

  Deeply moved, he gazed on her a moment longer, then he leaned forward and, steadying himself with one hand, he placed the other to the side of her face, and then he kissed her – a long, wonderful kiss that told her everything she needed to know.

  ‘We need to go to the park!’ Full of childish anticipation, Tom was clapping his hands. ‘I want Mammy to see the ducks!’

  Sara laughed. ‘You two have already been gadding about the beach and now you want to go to the park?’ Sara was glad that Harry had not yet told their son the truth, but there would be time enough, she thought. It was only right that her darling boy should enjoy the magic in his carefree world, for just a while longer.

  She worried about them both; especially Harry. He would have no one to console him, while Tom would always have his daddy. She thought of Irish Kathleen, and not for the first time she prayed with all her heart that Harry would keep his promise and return to Fisher’s Hill, the place where he was born. He still had friends there; people who had cared for him as a boy, and whom he had badly missed over the years.

  Sara knew that for Harry, going back to face his demons would not be easy. But it would be a fresh start for both him and young Tom.

  She truly believed it was the right thing for her husband and son, and it was what she herself wanted. Harry always kept his promises, and she knew he would keep this one; albeit reluctantly.

  ‘Mammy! You have to come and see!’ Tom was insistent. ‘You have to come and help us feed the ducks!’

  ‘That’s enough, Tom.’ Harry could see how tired his wife was. ‘I told you we might have to leave it for another day. Your mammy needs to rest. We must take her home.’ Harry was desperate to get her settled and comfortable. ‘We’ll maybe go later – see if your mammy feels up to it then. All right, son?’

  On the verge of tears, Tom nodded. ‘All right.’

  As he drove away, all manner of things were running through Harry’s mind. Should he tell the boy today … tell him right now, or later when they were all together at home? No! The doctor said not to tell him until it was absolutely necessary. ‘No need upsetting him a minute before you have to,’ that was what he had advised. Yet Harry felt the weight of it like a mountain on his shoulders.

  He thought it was wrong not to warn the boy, yet like the doctor, he was coming round to the idea that it might be best if he left it for a while – not too long though. Maybe it could wait until tomorrow, after Sara was back in the hospital.

  Yes, that was it, he decided. He would tell young Tom tomorrow.

  Giving Sara a reassuring squeeze of the hand, he headed out of the hospital grounds, towards home.

  As they travelled along, Sara kept glancing in the rearview mirror; she could see the disappointment in her son’s eyes. Harry was right, she was tired, and she could hardly wait to see her home after all these weeks. But, it was so hard, seeing Tom’s forlorn little face.

  Her mind was made up. ‘Head for the park, Harry,’ she said. ‘I really would like to go and see the ducks with you and Tom.’

  Tom gave a whoop of joy. ‘I told you! I knew Mammy wanted to see the ducks. Please, Daddy. Please!’

  ‘Stop it, Tom.’ Harry couldn’t think straight. ‘Be quiet for a minute.’ Turning briefly to Sara, he asked, ‘Are you sure you’re up to it?’

  Sara took a moment, before giving her answer. ‘You said this would be my day,’ she reminded him gently. ‘You said I could do whatever I wanted.’

  ‘I know, but I meant—’

  ‘I know what you meant. “Within the boundaries” is what you meant. But what’s the sense in having boundaries?’ She gave him a long, quiet look that spoke volumes. ‘If I don’t go right now, I may never get another chance.’

  Harry knew she was right, but he could not bring himself to speak of it. Besides, there was nothing he could say that she didn’t already know; that they didn’t both already know.

  Behind them, Tom was yelling with excitement.

  ‘I should have known the two of you would gang up on me,’ Harry groaned. ‘I never could get the better of you pair.’

  The park was fairly busy, with young mums pushing their big coach-built prams along and occasionally stopping to point out the ducks and swans to the babies inside. People went strolling by and older men sat on the benches, enjoying their pipes and newspapers; and right there, leaning over the rails, a young woman was feeding her half-eaten sandwich to the clamouring ducks.

  Having parked up, Harry switched off the engine and lifted the wheelchair out of the boot. ‘Stay where you are, Tom,’ he told the boy. ‘I’ll get Mammy out first, then we’ll go for a walk round the lake.’

  ‘I want to come out now!’ Tom was far too excited to remain in the car. ‘I want to show Mammy the duck with the hurt wing.’

  ‘Just hang on a minute, eh?’ Harry wagged a finger at him. ‘I can’t keep my eye on you and get your mammy out all at the same time.’

  Shifting forward in his seat, Tom wound his arms round his mother’s neck. ‘Are you happy, Mammy? Are you glad we brought you to see the ducks?’

  Sara took hold of his hands. ‘This is the happiest day of my life,’ she said, and kissed the small warm fingers.

  When Harry lifted her into the wheelchair, she held onto him. ‘You won’t forget your promise, will you?’ Weak as she was, her hold on him was vice-like, and the steely look of determination in her eyes took him aback.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he said. He knew well enough what she meant; but he could not bear to think about it.

  Sensing his dilemma, Sara’s heart was sore. The suffering had been long and hard, but right now in the depths of her soul, she was content – all but for one thing. ‘I need to know that you and Tom have a place to go, when …’ She paused, before going on more brightly. ‘If your friend Kathleen is half as wonderful as you described, I can rest easy, knowing that you and Tom will have someone who cares.’

  Deliberately averting his gaze, Harry looked out across the lake. He didn’t want to talk about it, but it would not go away. It would never go away! A dark anger flooded his soul.

  ‘Harry?’ Her voice drifted into his thoughts. ‘I need to know,’ she repeated.

  Still, Harry did not look at her. Instead he closed his eyes, taking a moment to recover, before placing his two hands on the arms of the wheelchair. He met her gaze with the deepest concern. ‘You mustn’t fret. I made you that promise,’ he spoke with quiet sincerity, ‘and I’m telling you now, hand on heart, you can be sure I mean to keep it.’ There! It was said, and the saying made it all the more real, and now the tears swam across his eyes so he could hardly see.

  ‘Thank you.’ With her slim, delicate fingers she wiped away his tears with a gossamer touch. Her smile was infectious. ‘Now then, my lovely, handsome man, before our son jumps right through the floorboards, can we please go and find these blessed ducks?’

  Beside himself with excitement, Tom was leaping up and down in the back of the car.

  A few moments later, Sara was settled in the wheelchair. Despite the warm July day, she was swathed in a rug with her feet tucked
up nice and cosy; she remarked on the fresh sweet smell of the land and the water. Then she sat back, taking in the magnificent scenery, while Harry pushed her along the walkway and Tom skipped on ahead, shouting and laughing, and frightening every creature for miles around.

  Sara’s pain was constant, but not yet unbearable, and for that she was thankful; though at the same time she was mindful of the medicine bag in the pouch behind her seat. Oh, but it was such a treat to be in the fresh air, where she could breathe easier, and the skies seemed never-ending. And what a joy, to see the wide meandering lake, and the mixed, colourful shrubbery beyond. ‘It’s so special here,’ she told Harry excitedly. ‘I don’t know if I ever told you, but this park has always been a favourite of mine.’

  ‘Mine, too.’ Tom fell over but soon jumped up again.

  With Tom giving a running commentary, Harry pushed the wheelchair all the way round the lake, his attention evenly divided between his wife and his son. But all the time he was acutely aware of Sara’s medication, secreted away yet readily accessible.

  Every now and then they stopped while Tom coaxed the ducks onto the grass with pieces of bread. When they waddled towards him at full speed, quacking and screeching, Tom would run away screaming like a banshee, making his mother laugh out loud.

  When Harry got Sara close enough to stroke her fingers down the long slim neck of a graceful and unusually tame swan, she was beside herself. ‘Oh, Harry, he’s so soft … the feathers are so beautiful, just like silk!’

  They had been there for no more than half an hour, when Harry caught Sara shivering. ‘Are you in pain?’ he asked immediately. As ever, he was right there for her.

  ‘No,’ she quickly assured him. ‘I felt a bit of a chill, that’s all.’

  ‘Right, come on, Tom. That’s enough for now,’ Harry announced. ‘It’s time to go home.’

  Sara agreed. ‘It’s been wonderful, though,’ she told them both happily. ‘I would not have missed it for the world.’

  On the way back to the car, Tom was thrilled to see a family of swans gliding over the lake. ‘Daddy! Mammy! Look!’ Before they could stop him, he ran across the grass to sit on a nearby bench, from where he had a good view of the birds. His voice sailed through the air. ‘COME AND SEE THE SWANS!’