Untitled Josephine Cox 4 Page 21

  ‘I just phoned the guesthouse before we went in,’ she told Cathy. ‘Your father is travelling back up right now to pick us up.’

  That final night in the guesthouse before the drive home, Marie’s guilty mind would not let her rest, and so wrapping her dressing-gown about her, she sat at the bedroom window and looked across to the sea, now dark and deep in shadow.

  She heard the laughter of merrymakers along the Promenade, and smiled when some happy drunk suddenly started singing in a raw, common sort of way, which was painfully beautiful.

  And then, feeling deeply emotional, Marie began to cry, and could not stop.

  After a while, she got to her feet, suddenly frantic to shake off her dressing-gown. And now she was scrambling to get her clothes on again, along with her coat and scarf. For some reason, she felt she had to get out of the room and as far away from here as her weary legs would carry her.

  Taking her key, she tucked it inside her coat pocket, and went quietly out the bedroom door and down the stairs to the front door. After locking the front door behind her, she softly stole away like a thief in the night.

  ‘Good grief!’ The landlady had seen Marie through the lounge window and quickly alerted her snoozing husband in the armchair beside her. ‘Look, it’s Anne’s mother, Marie. Where the devil is she off to on her own, and at this time of night? Should I go and wake her daughter?’

  ‘Good Lord, no! She’s old enough to look after herself that one. Don’t forget the family have been at the hospital for most of the day. Marie probably needs to get out and breathe the sea air. And if she fancies a break for a while, that’s up to her, love. It’s been a worrying time for the family since Cathy’s accident. I’m not surprised Marie can’t sleep, poor thing.’

  Unaware that she was being watched, Marie walked down the street, then across the road.

  She had no idea where she was going, or when she might be back, but she could not bear being cooped up in that small room any longer.

  So she kept walking until she stopped to rest on a low, bumpy, stone wall that skirted the Promenade. After a few minutes, she was up and off again, and a minute later, she again stopped to sit on the wall, her short legs dangling, and her body shivering in the damp sea air.

  She looked across and down to the beach. It was so incredibly lonely and quiet and frightening in its endless magnitude.

  A minute later she was up and away yet again, walking, on and on to nowhere, totally unaware of the people still about, many casting curious glances as they passed her by.

  Finally, when she stopped, Marie was surprised and gladdened to realise that she had walked all the way up to the old cabin where the big Scotsman, John Ferguson, and his mate, Danny, kept their worktools. So far she had not seen hide nor hair of either of them. Her priorities throughout her stay had been Cathy, and the family.

  Suddenly feeling cold and exhausted, she looked to see if the two men were anywhere about, but there was no sign of them, and neither should there be, at this godless time of night.

  Standing nearby, of course, was the Blue Bench, and Marie went to it and sat down.

  She smiled at the thought of Danny Boy with his loud, melodic chuckle, and the bright, mischievous sparkle in his eyes. She had definitely developed a fond spot for Danny. He made her laugh so hard that sometimes, when he was in his funniest moods, she would even end up crying.

  Just now, with a mood of sadness and huge loneliness overwhelming her, she felt Danny’s warm, cheeky presence, and she glanced about her, hoping and wishing for him to be with her, in this crowded, lonely place.

  For a fleeting moment, she actually felt his nearness, his sense of fun and those twinkling, laughing eyes. She had such strong memories of laughing together with him that her heart seemed to swell with a rush of warmth, which made her ache even more with loneliness.

  Suddenly, she desperately needed to see him, to laugh at his silly jokes and enjoy his crazy sense of humour.

  The very thought of him lifted her spirits. Danny was a caring friend, a genuine, honest man, often serious, often madly, outrageously funny, and so loving, in a naïve, childish way.

  She needed him right now – this minute – with his cheeky smile and funny banter that lit up her heart.

  If he was to suddenly arrive right here and now, she would feel wanted, and loved, and forgiven for all the bad, stupid things she had done in her life.

  How could she ever erase the bad things she had done? How might she deal with the guilt she had carried all these years? Loneliness had crept up to shadow her life until now she had no idea which way to turn, no real idea how to start again. Shockingly bad things touched Cathy because of what Marie had done, and for that she would never forgive herself. Never! She had no one to blame but herself for not being honest, for not being good enough. She was a coward through and through, and now she seemed to have lost her way.

  She was frightened, struggling in the dark with no one to help her.

  How might she sort out the thoughts in her head, the toxic mixture of guilt, shame and deep regrets, which were now hopelessly tangled?

  And now, shifting about on the Blue Bench, she wrapped her arms about her and, leaning her head back, she closed her eyes and thought of the really bad things she had allowed into her life: making a baby with a man who was married to her friend, when her husband was barely cold in his grave. When she thought of Cathy she felt ashamed, and yet she was also proud of having given birth to such a lovely, caring soul. Her Cathy was the miracle.

  ‘Oh dear Lord, thank you for bringing her back to us.’

  She started sobbing, softly at first, and then she could not stop the tears. With her arms wrapped about her head, she simply let the tears flow. She felt like a failure, a cheat and a sinner who should never have been born.

  Suffocated by every dark thought, she bent her head forward and, clutching herself, she sobbed uncontrollably.

  ‘Hey, come on now, woman. This is not the place to be showing all and sundry what a shocking state you’re in.’

  Startled by the familiar voice, Marie quickly wrapped her coat about her, hoisting herself to the edge of the bench. Then she was crying with relief when she saw her old friend. ‘Danny Boy!’ Suddenly she felt wanted, warm and safe. ‘Oh, Danny, I’m so glad to see you.’

  Marie opened her arms to him, and taking off his long coat, Danny placed it over her own and wrapped it about her shivering body.

  ‘Ssh, now!’ He eased her to her feet. ‘Let’s get ye inside. I heard about yer girl, Cathy,’ he said softly, ‘and now I hear she’s doing all right, thank the Good Lord!’

  When she began sobbing again, Danny quietened her. ‘Ssh! Come on, me darlin’, I’ll take ye to the pub where I work in the evening. The landlord’s a good man. He’ll not turn us away.’

  Hugely relieved to see Danny, she walked with him, wiping away her tears as she went.

  ‘You should leave me here,’ she told him, ‘I’ve done such bad things in my life.’

  ‘Aw, come on now, darlin’, sure, haven’t we all done bad things at some time or another? We all need to live and learn, and if you’re truly sorry, it will all come right in the end.’

  He wrapped his strong arm about her and carefully shepherded her across the street and along the pavement, towards the brightly lit pub, where he happily worked part time among the loud people and the strong smell of booze and food, and the merry men who took their pleasure at the snooker table and the dart board and the frothing pints that kept coming.

  And where, most of all in this place of merriment, with his arms about his woman, Danny Boy now found his heaven on earth.

  When Danny explained a little of the situation to the landlord, he was only too willing to help them.

  ‘But you really should let your family know where you are,’ he told Marie. She agreed, and told him the name of the guesthouse.

  ‘Please, could I speak with them on your telephone, otherwise my daughter will begin to worry?’


  When Marie phoned Anne to tell her where she was, Anne was frantic. ‘Oh, Mum! Why didn’t you wake me? I didn’t even know you had gone out until the landlady got worried and told me. I was about to get dressed and come after you. Stay where you are and we’ll come and get you, right now.’

  ‘Go back to bed, love … I’ve been offered a room here, for the night,’ Marie explained. ‘I’m sorry to have worried you.’

  Then Anne spoke with the landlord and agreed to collect Marie in the morning. But then Danny suggested that he would borrow the landlord’s car and bring her straight back after she’d had a bite to eat. ‘Is that okay with you, Anne?’

  Of course Anne agreed. She was happy for Marie to be in Danny’s capable hands, especially as he had always made a show of adoring the ground her mother walked on.

  Anne had always considered him to be a rough diamond, the genuine article, and she had seen with her own eyes that Danny Boy, behind the jokes and the blarney, had always loved Marie from afar.

  The landlord made them each a hot toddy, and left them in the bar chatting and planning, and catching up on everything that had passed since they’d last met. There seemed to be a lock-in going on, because it was past closing time, yet the pub was full and very lively. It soon became apparent that each had missed the other so much …

  ‘Ah, sure it’s good to see ye, me darlin’! My life was not even worth the living without ye!’

  ‘I missed you too, Danny,’ she confessed boldly, ‘and I don’t think we should ever lose touch.’

  ‘Absolutely!’ Danny did a little Irish jig, and when he was done he felt so breathless he could hardly speak, although he managed to get out the words that really mattered. ‘How about the two of us get married, eh?’ He gave a cheeky wink, but the look in his blue eyes said he was completely serious.

  ‘What!’ Marie wrapped her two hands about his face, while smiling into his blue Irish eyes. ‘Danny Boy! I thought that I might not see you, so full of woe has this visit here been, and here you are, spouting love and marriage. And do you know what?’

  ‘What’s that then, eh?’

  ‘I think this should tell you how I feel.’ And she gave him the biggest, longest kiss ever.

  ‘Wow!’ Somewhat breathless, Danny gave a huge smile. ‘You little hussy!

  When he grabbed her and bent her backwards for a long, breathless kiss, a mighty cheer rose up to the rafters from the merry boozers, who got to their feet and clapped until they could clap no more.

  ‘So! You bandy little Irish divil, you swore you would get your woman in the end, and you did an’ all!’ That was the landlord.

  They all raised their drinks and wished the unlikely pair ‘A long and happy life together!’

  Danny Boy was so excited he grabbed hold of Marie and danced her across the floor, and round the bar, and up and down the short flight of steps at the door, and when he grew breathless he stopped to take a gulp of air, and then he was off again, swinging his woman round and round until he fell over dizzy and took her with him.

  ‘I swear I’ve not had a drink this night,’ he promised, ‘I’m just dizzy with love for you, that’s what it is!’

  Of course, not a man jack in the place believed one word of it. They all chuckled, as the landlord merrily informed Marie, ‘He’s telling the truth. He has not had one single drink. In truth, he’s had at least four that I know of!’

  With the roar of jibes and merry laughter, Marie could have sworn that the building actually trembled under their feet.

  The evening was a runaway success, with lots of tuneless singing and bandy-legged dancing. And then the naughty jokes started and the drunken laughter, and the wild, comical jig that Danny launched himself into.

  It was a crazy, awful, noisy, and wonderful evening. And Marie thought she had never been so happy.

  Even with the merriment and the cheery Danny now filling her world, Marie was ever mindful of her approaching duties and responsibilities to Cathy. But before she was even able to tell the truth to Cathy, she needed to confide the truth in the man she had now promised to marry.

  That was a huge step for her to take, but a necessary one because although Danny was often prone to wildly fanciful a tale, or to tell the porker of a lie now and then, Marie had a feeling that he would be mortified to learn the shocking secret of the woman who had promised to be his wife.

  Danny was a good and decent man at heart, and once he knew the awful truth – that she was a liar and a shamed woman who had given birth to a child fathered by the husband of her best friend – Marie worried that he might not want her any more … She could not have been more wrong.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  THREE MONTHS HAD passed so very quickly, and Marie was both nervous and excited that the day for her and Danny to be married was now only one week away. Cathy’s recovery had been painfully slow and Marie still had not found the inner strength to take Cathy aside, and tell her the truth of her birth, acknowledging her part in the cruel manner in which Cathy had been allowed to believe that the parents she adored were not in fact her parents at all.

  Marie grew more nervous as the days rushed by. Many times she had made the hard decision to confess the truth to Cathy, but each time she thought she might be ready to broach the subject, her shame stopped her from speaking, and now the wedding day was almost upon them, and she was beginning to panic.

  She knew in her heart and soul that she could not walk into that church and allow Danny to put a wedding ring on her finger when she still carried the heavy weight of her sins.

  Marie had earnestly prayed time and again to find the strength to do what had to be done. She must not take her own happiness before she had given Cathy the truth of her beginnings.

  More than anyone, Cathy deserved the truth.

  Now that Cathy was back on her feet, she was determined at last to do the right and proper thing, even if it meant losing Danny, the man she had loved all these years, and only recently realised how much he truly meant to her. Time was fast running out, but now, at the eleventh hour, she would not change her mind.

  Marie was certain of only one thing in this crucial moment … Cathy had done nothing wrong. And she deserved the truth, however shocking. It was now or never.

  ‘Come on, you girls!’ The wedding day was now just twenty-four hours away, and Anne was busy carrying out her last-minute responsibilities. ‘This is your last dress fitting before the wedding tomorrow, so come on! Get your backsides in here, you two!’ she called Beth and Cathy to heel. ‘We should have tried the bridesmaid dresses on again yesterday, but with all the rushing and planning and chasing our tails, it’s been absolute mayhem!’

  She called to Marie through the kitchen door. ‘You’re next, Mum … so don’t go anywhere!’

  ‘I don’t need another fitting, Anne, you’ve already altered the hem twice: once to take it up, and another to drop it back to where it was!’

  Anne shrugged. ‘You put me in charge of the dresses … so kindly let me get on with my responsibilities.’

  After both bridesmaid dresses and Marie’s wedding outfit had been refitted, they were to be put away safely for the big day.

  ‘Right then!’ Anne instructed the three of them. ‘Looks like we’re all set. So you two girls hang your dresses behind the door in the bedroom, and you, Mum,’ she gestured to Marie, ‘you can hang your outfit in my wardrobe if you like, it won’t get interfered with there. Yours looks lovely, Mum. I’m so glad you changed your mind and chose the light blue straight skirt and jacket instead of that pinkish thing. It really did not suit you at all.’

  When Beth and Cathy had gone out of the room, Anne quietly closed the door behind them, while drawing her mother towards the far side of the room where they might not be overheard. ‘Mum … did you manage to have a talk with Cathy?’ Her voice was ominously quiet and serious.

  Marie shook her head, feeling terrible, ‘Not yet, but I have it all in hand.’

  Anne gave a long, anguis
hed groan. ‘Oh, Mum! You promised you would tell her yesterday, and the day before that, and the week before that! If you’re not careful, you’ll miss your chance and then it will be all too late. She has to know the truth. She deserves that much at least. Oh, I realise it must be a daunting thing to be telling her, but you’re getting married tomorrow … you need to get it all off your chest today. Please, Mum. You have lived with this far too long, you stopped living. Don’t leave it for another moment. I would tell her, but you won’t let me, so do it, Mum!’

  Anne was shocked that Marie was still procrastinating. ‘Go and open your heart, and tell her about having lost Dad … your beloved man … and that he was everything to you. Explain to her, you were in a really bad place at the time – you were distraught, not thinking straight. And for the first time in your life, you did something that you have always regretted. You adored Cathy from the start but you have punished yourself ever since.’

  When the tears began escaping down Marie’s face, she quickly wiped them away. ‘All right! I’ll go and find her and I will tell her the truth. But do not ask me to make excuses because there is no justification for what I did, and there never will be!’

  Seeing the pain in her mother’s sad face, Anne went on softly, ‘Our Cathy is a warm and loving young woman. I’m sure she will understand. She’s a kind and sensible girl, and you are her world. So, please, Mum – for all our sakes – go and find her now!’

  Marie was deeply uneasy. ‘By rights, I should have told her long ago, but I was a coward, and I still am. But the day before the wedding? You know how excited and happy she’s been, looking forward to being a bridesmaid. Oh, Anne, don’t make me tell her now. She’s so excited, and full of joy. If I told her the truth now, I would only be hurting her terribly … taking something away from her that she sees to be very special, and that she is an integral part of. It would be an unforgettably cruel thing to do, destroying her joy and excitement of being a bridesmaid for the very first time. She is so proud, Anne … proud of being a part of this family – our family—’