Untitled Josephine Cox 4 Read online

  She lovingly squeezed her mother’s hand. ‘I’ve thought about what might happen when we tell Cathy the truth. Many times I’ve been dangerously close to confessing the circumstances surrounding her birth, but I lose my courage and I wouldn’t tell Cathy until you felt ready, too. In my heart and soul, I know there will be a day when it feels right to tell her, and I have a feeling it won’t be too long before we sit her down and explain what we did.’

  Leaning in to Marie, she kissed her on the cheek. ‘Try not to worry, please, Mum. I promise we will do what’s right, from there on. We will explain what we did, and why. It will be a terrible shock to her, but if we’re honest and able to explain the way it was, then I hope she will understand.’

  Marie nodded tearfully. ‘After all I’ve done, and the shocking things I’ve allowed to happen, I don’t deserve any of you.’

  ‘Don’t torture yourself, Mum.’ As always, Anne was concerned for her mother. ‘We did what we thought was for the best. In a situation like the one you found yourself in, we all had to pull together because the alternative was too awful to contemplate. We have Cathy now, and she could not be more loved. I pray she will always be with us, and able to forgive us in spite of the inevitable upset to come.’

  She paused to control her emotions a moment before going on. ‘I only hope that when the time comes for Cathy to know the truth she won’t think too badly of us. All three of us did what we thought was right, and I still believe that it was the only possible decision.’

  ‘I hope you’re right, Anne. I admit, I’ve often wondered if she might have been better off being adopted. At least it would have all been legal and out in the open, without dark and sinful secrets waiting to shame her.’

  Anne believed that her mother had suffered enough over these past years, and she hoped that at some point it would somehow all come right, although there were times when, in her deepest heart, she felt it never would.

  And now her mother’s friends had upset her all over again. ‘I know how you feel about Tony and Eileen, and I know you deeply regret what happened,’ Anne said to her mother. ‘But Dave and I would never have turned you away. We’re family, and families look after each other always.’

  Anne recalled the night when she found Marie crying on her doorstep. ‘Yes, it was wrong what you did, but we’re a family and we’ve always been there for each other. Dave is right, you’ve been punished for what you did and even now, you’re still suffering, haunted by the truth and how it may affect Cathy’s future.’

  Marie shrugged. ‘I deserve to suffer, but not Cathy. She is the innocent in all this. She will find it difficult to accept, but like all of us, she will have no option but to live with what happened. Oh, Anne, I’m so ashamed of myself, and I’m truly afraid for Cathy. But there is nothing that can be done, except to let her down as gently as possible when the time comes. I have agonised about that, but there is no other way. She has to be told, and it must be the truth – however difficult that might be for all of us.’

  ‘After almost twenty years, we’ve come to that crossroads. There is no way of going back, no way of making it easier,’ Anne said, wrapping her arm about her mother’s shoulders.

  Marie agreed. ‘All we can do is hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive us, to understand, and know how much we cherish her.’

  ‘Oh, Mum, she must know that already.’

  Hugely grateful for her daughter’s reassuring words, Marie thanked her with a loving kiss on the cheek. ‘I’m a fortunate woman to have such a caring family around me.’

  The truth still weighed heavily on her mind. Marie whispered, ‘One day, maybe sooner rather than later, Cathy is bound to meet some fine young man she hopes to marry. She may even have met him already in Ronnie. They may want to start a family. And what then? How do we explain our long silence? Which way do we turn? Do we wait until then to tell her the truth, or do we tell her some time soon? So many questions, sweetheart, and I don’t have the answers.’ Marie felt broken. ‘All I know is that we must tell her. She deserves that much at least.’

  ‘You’re right! And whatever happens after that, we must all be there for her.’

  ‘If she still wants us,’ Marie replied softly.

  The silence that followed said it all.

  ‘For all these years, I’ve fretted over it – waking or sleeping, it has never given me any peace – yet even now, when we have finally decided that Cathy has to know sooner rather than later, I don’t know if I can do it. What will she think of me, sleeping with my best friend’s husband and then, when I find I’m pregnant, bringing my troubles to you? Yes, I was at my wits’ end, but involving you and Dave was a selfish, cowardly thing to do. Yet you helped me through it and you never once condemned me.’

  ‘You would have done the very same if it had been the other way round, if I had been pregnant with another man’s child,’ Anne assured her. ‘You were absolutely distraught, almost suicidal. We wanted to help, whatever it took. Now, after all these years, we find ourselves with a terrible dilemma, and the prospect of heartache for Cathy, but we will get through it, one way or another.’

  With a heavy heart, Marie hugged her daughter. ‘I’ve caused such mayhem, and I’m so afraid. What if Cathy turns away from us when we tell her the truth? What if she leaves and we never see her again?’

  ‘Nothing will come of you constantly punishing yourself. You’ll make yourself ill. And what you and Tony did, well, I’ve always believed you were totally lost after Dad died so suddenly. It rocked your world, and for a long time you were out of reach, devastated and alone. Dad was everything to you. If he hadn’t died, you never would have done what you did.’

  Marie could not find words to explain how strange and lonely life had been without her beloved husband. She discreetly brushed away her tears, which always rose when she thought of the wonderful man she had loved and lost.

  ‘That’s very true,’ she said softly. ‘But it doesn’t justify what I did. Instead it makes me feel as though I had sullied his memory. Oh, I know Tony and me – it meant nothing to either of us. It just happened in a moment of loneliness. And now, until the day I follow your dad to the grave, I will be forever ashamed.’

  ‘You were in a dark place,’ Anne reminded her kindly. ‘After Dad died, we were so worried for you. I remember you crying all the time, going without sleep, not eating, and walking for hours on the common.’ She gave a little smile. ‘With me sneaking along behind you to make sure you were all right. Dave and I could do little to help, except to have you with us, to love and protect you. Somehow you had to get through it, and what you did, I’m convinced, was out of inconsolable grief because you were confused and lost. For a long time, you were not thinking straight.’

  When Marie’s eyes again filled with tears, Anne reached out to draw her closer. ‘Please, don’t upset yourself, Mum.’

  ‘But I do, Anne,’ Marie cried, ‘because hand on heart, I don’t know if I could reveal the identity to Cathy of her true father.’

  ‘But, Mum, I thought we agreed to be truthful to her when the time came? Lord knows, I’m not looking forward to explaining that the father she’s loved all these years is not truly her father.’

  Marie nodded, worrying now about those the truth coming out would affect who weren’t part of her family. ‘Tony’s wife is also an innocent casualty in all of this, and I’ve already damaged their marriage. I saw that clearly for myself in a look, or a word. The total trust they once had has gone, and I did that to them. I can hardly imagine the damage it would cause if I were to reveal that Tony is Cathy’s father. As far as Tony and Eileen are concerned, I haven’t yet decided which way to go. I need to think.’

  Anne was very patient, but she didn’t want her mother to lose all sense of purpose when she seemed to have decided to act at last. ‘But you have agreed that Cathy should be told the truth, and you’ve said you’re nearly ready to confess everything to her. If she insists on knowing the name of her real father, yo
u must tell that too. Are you ready to do that, Mum? Because a half-truth won’t do. So think long and hard, Mum, because there will be no going back.’

  ‘I know, and how hard this is for you and Dave. We have always known that this day would come, but it’s for me alone to explain. You do understand that, don’t you, sweetheart?’ Marie took a long, hard breath, before nervously assuring her, ‘I won’t shirk my duty, however uncomfortable, but it’s going to break all our hearts, especially poor Cathy’s.’ A sob trembled in her voice. ‘Oh, Anne, I fear she will want to know the name of her real father, but whatever happens, I will answer whatever questions she puts to me.’ She shook her head in despair. ‘Though when the truth is out, so many good people are going to be hurt.’ Her voice fell to a whisper. ‘Oh, Anne! Will Cathy ever forgive me? Eileen hasn’t and I can’t blame her. She doesn’t even know everything.’

  ‘I honestly don’t know. But whatever happens, you must tell her the truth. The older she gets, the harder it feels.’

  ‘And I will tell her!’ Marie’s voice fell to the softest whisper. ‘It’s time.’

  In that pensive moment, Marie cast her mind back to the day she had lain with Tony, and even now after all these years, her guilt was like a lead weight about her neck. The worry when she found herself to be pregnant with his child with Derek not even cold in his grave. She felt wicked. It all came flooding back – all the disgust and shame when she first discovered she was pregnant, then the unbearable ordeal of having to turn to her family with the shameful truth. She had involved them in a shocking deception, and for that she would never forgive herself. And Marie was crippled by guilt that she had deceived Eileen into believing that she had aborted Tony’s child. If she were to tell Cathy that Tony was her birth father, two more lives could be ruined. It was a step too far for Marie’s conscience. Her old friend had believed her when – out of panic – she had told her that the pregnancy had been terminated, but because of that, she was able to come to terms with Marie’s liaison with Tony and at least find a semblance of peace with him in their later years.

  Marie had just mopped away her tears when the sitting room door opened and Cathy’s smiling face peeped in. ‘What are you two chatting about? You’ve been ages in here!’ She came over and joined them on the sofa.

  ‘Oh, it was just something and nothing.’ Marie gave Cathy a cuddle. ‘Sorry, but we got talking about the holiday. You know what it’s like – your mum wanted every little detail.’

  Marie’s heart skipped a beat when Cathy wagged a finger at them. ‘Don’t tell lies, you two, because I know what you were talking about, you can’t fool me!’

  CHAPTER NINE

  FOR A MOMENT, both Anne and Marie were paralysed with shock at Cathy’s remarks, but then greatly relieved when she innocently explained, ‘I’m guessing you were talking about my birthday, I bet you’ve already started to make plans. So, am I right or am I wrong?’ She laughed. ‘Got you! You might as well own up. You know I don’t like surprises, so come on, give me all the details.’

  Marie rallied and gave a nervous smile. ‘We’re saying nothing. You’ll just have to wait and see.’

  Cathy sensed that something wasn’t right, and her heart sank. She often felt that they were keeping something from her and it worried her. But she kept up the pretence. Cathy groaned and argued about her birthday but the women would have none of her bullying. ‘Oh, all right then.’ Cathy kissed them both. ‘I knew it, you really were planning my party. I knew I was right!’

  ‘No more questions, Cathy.’ Anne was laughing with relief. ‘Just leave it to Nan and me, and I promise you’ll not be disappointed.’ She got up and went to see what Dave was doing.

  ‘When you plan my party, can we have a huge cake and candles and lots of music? And will I be allowed to invite all my friends and colleagues from the shop? Is that all right, Nan?’ Cathy asked, shifting across the sofa.

  ‘Yes, you can invite whoever you want,’ Marie smiled. ‘And speaking of the shop, why aren’t you there today?’

  ‘It’s my day off,’ said Cathy. ‘But don’t let’s talk about work when there’s a party to plan.’

  Marie gave Cathy a hug. ‘I have no doubt you’ll have us worn out before the day arrives. It’s still a few weeks away, so there’ll be plenty of time for us all to finalise the arrangements. For now, just try and calm down. You’re like a little whirlwind.’ She shook her head and tutted. ‘It sounds to me like you want a wild, rowdy party that will send the neighbours running for the hills. I can see it all now. None of us will get any peace until your party plans are up and running. I should have stayed at the seaside for another week or so, at least it’s quieter there.’

  ‘That’s not fair! And anyway, I don’t think you should go there on your own again. I vote we all come with you. We can keep you in check, and keep an eye on that Danny Magee you’re so friendly with. I suspect you’ve taken a fancy to him.’ She gave a cheeky little wink.

  ‘No! I have no wish to link up with any man! Oh, I’m not saying Danny Boy isn’t a decent fellow, or that I don’t enjoy his company, because I do. I’ve spent many an amusing hour listening to him and John. They always make me smile.’

  She laughed now, as she described some of the antics the two men had got up to in the years that she was a regular in Blackpool. ‘Oh, but I do love to hear their crazy tales about the many tricks they’ve played on the boss, or when they got in a tiff with some feisty woman. But best of all, I’ve been amazed at the wild plans they seemed to be forever hatching. It was always something big and bold, which was bound to make them rich gentlemen of leisure, but which, in the end, never came to fruition.’ She laughed, remembering times past. ‘Mad as hatters they are, the pair of them!’ Thinking about John and Danny, and how unhappy this latest trip to Blackpool had been made her feel a little sad. She actually felt a pang in her heart at having met up with Danny when she was all alone, and finding him aged but yet unchanged. ‘Genuine fellows, that’s what they are,’ she told Cathy. ‘What you see is what you get. They don’t care who knows what they’ve been up to. Flirting with the ladies, gambling at the betting shops, or doing dodgy deals with anyone who has something valuable to sell – it all comes out eventually. But I tell you what, the place would not be the same without them.’

  Cathy remembered them, but from a young girl’s point of view. They’d seemed quite old to her. ‘What do you think they would do if they retired and they didn’t have to work any more?’

  Marie did not have to think too hard about that, ‘I really can’t say exactly what they might do, sweetheart, but I would imagine it would probably be something a little devious, maybe involving dodging and diving on the wrong side of the law.’ She chuckled merrily. ‘I’ve a feeling they might enjoy that.’

  ‘I hope it won’t be too long before we can all see John and Danny again,’ Cathy remarked. ‘It would be awful if we went there on holiday and they had already gone.’

  ‘It would be awful, as you say,’ said Marie. ‘The thing is, though, they’re almost part of the furniture, if you know what I mean, causing mayhem and being their naughty selves. I’m convinced they will be there for many years, so long as their health keeps up. They belong there, an integral part of the Promenade, even of Blackpool itself. They’re like the Blue Bench and the Victorian railings, the candyfloss and the Punch and Judy Show on the beach.’

  Marie tried to picture Blackpool without John and Danny at the heart of it all. ‘If they were not there any more, with their hearty laughter and loud arguments, and their utmost dedication to keeping the Promenade beautiful – well, I know for sure they would be sorely missed by everyone, especially the children.’

  Cathy was intrigued. ‘Why the children, Nan?’ she said, kicking her shoes off and kneeling up on the sofa.

  ‘Well, because they love them! Danny once told me that he had not been fortunate enough to be married and have children. Too busy playing the field, I suspect. It’s such a shame, because from w
hat I’ve seen, the children love him, and he loves them. He always has a bag of sweets in his jacket pocket, or he might have a magic trick up his sleeve. If they’re lost and upset, he turns their tears into laughter until a parent or relative comes to collect them.’

  ‘Oh, yes Nan, I remember what parents tell their children they must do if they ever get separated from family: find their way to the Blue Bench and wait for their parents to collect them.’

  Marie explained, ‘You can see the Blue Bench from anywhere on the beach, and that’s when children mostly get lost, running about on the beach.’

  ‘I think that’s a really good idea, Nan. So when I have children and we go on holiday to Blackpool, I’ll know what to tell them, won’t I?’

  Momentarily pulled up by Cathy’s innocent comment, Marie merely smiled, but her heart was torn, as always, when thinking of the awful truth that was sure to be revealed in the not-too-distant future.

  Marie always loved her talks with Cathy, they could talk about anything and everything for hours on end. But the family secret was always lurking like a dark ghost.

  ‘Nan?’ Cathy’s voice interrupted Marie’s troubled thoughts. ‘You didn’t finish telling me about Danny. Why do he and Big John argue so much?’

  ‘Because they can’t help it, that’s why. They’re a right pair. One minute they’re arguing the toss, then in the next they’re off at a run, hiding from the boss and giggling like a pair of schoolkids. But on the whole they’re good people, and nobody, not even their boss, could accuse them of being lazy. They work their socks off, they really do. So yes, I like Danny, as an occasional friend. He’s a bit like the Blue Bench, sturdy and handsome in a boyish kind of way, but with a hint of eccentricity and glamour. Oh, and he’s always there when you need him. And yes, I’ll admit, he’s a bit of a flirt. In fact I suspect he thinks all women fancy him, but then he’s a man, isn’t he?’